For some reason it always turns out that when I listen to them, it makes me think of you. It's odd, I remember all of the things that I've managed to forget about. Like the way things used to be, how they really used to be, not the way I've portrayed them since day 1 of life without you. Things were amazing, simply amazing. For instance it reminds me of the way things were when we went to your cousins wedding, I can picture all of it, Understand every lyric, I can see you, the things we used to do, even the way you would look at me... It was amazing, That summer was amazing. honestly I can't remember the past couple because that one outweighed them all.... It will change, I'm sure of that, sometimes I wonder about you and how things are going. Then, I think about it and feel like an idiot, because all I have seen in the past few years are the bad things, the bad thoughts I formed about you, I hated you, After loving you for so long and having so many amazing times, how is it that the hate and the pain can outweigh the good that actually happened. I guess what I am realizing tonight is the fact that I shouldn't let something so small in the course of my life ruin the course in itself. Not ruin, I'd never say that, the past few years have been the type that I wouldn't change for the world. It has everything to do with the friends involved....... Which brings me back to my point, I've also realized that I don't want to actually lose you as a friend for my whole life, there's a dirty past, but there is also a beautiful friendship, with someone that cannot be easily forgotten. As I am writing this it makes me wonder what your thoughts are, have you already thought this up? I know you have, you always thought about the people around you....Although I haven't been anywhere around you, you are still reminded of me, and your attempt at keeping a friendship between us. I didn't know how to take that attempt, I was too convinced I was going to have to make a friendship that was already established 4 summers before, I was too blinded by the fact that you didn't want to love me anymore, that maybe you never did, or even the fact that there was someone else who won your heart. The bitterness was like a poison inside me. I started drinking, which wasn't bad, I tried it once, and it made me feel better, better in the moment, but worse in the whole picture of it all. After the drinking came the smoking, I mean yeah, I had that cigar the summer I picked my friend up from the airport after he'd been in another country for a year, but this time I was smoking for the sake of the buzz, the word I used to describe the feeling of satisfaction, the feeling of  not being me for a slight second, the confusion. The Cigarettes were a secret pleasure when I was smoking cloves, something I just enjoyed for the moment, Then there was the time I smoked weed, what a day, It was a buzz that I have never even understood the extremity of, It was the one thing that I tried, that made me forget I was really living, which may make no sense I'm sure, but it makes too much sense. It's something to get so drunk you throw up, can't stand, and even can't function; but it is something else to be able to do everything you can do in real life, but just make it seem an almost fiction in the light of the moment.....The funniest thing is the fact that it happened for the first time on the day in which is all about "Love". Then, like a downhill stumble, it turned into present day, I can remember one week that I didn't smoke at all, I loved it, I loved it so much that I wanted to quit all together, I wanted it all to end for good.... It lasted for a week, One Whole Week! I honestly don't remember any other time I made it through 2 days without smoking, let alone a week. I convince myself that I have, and try to recall it, when I don't remember it, I claim that it happened, but honestly cant remember the last time that it actually did, I haven't been like that for the entire 2 Februaries since my first experience. It was actually something that I tried but didn't want to do again...... Or at least the few months until it was summer again. It makes me wonder what it was that got me started in it all. For the past few years I have thought it was the fact that I found one thing that I had in my life, one thing that I managed to forget about, friends. In a large way it was my friends, but it wasn't the ones that I tried it with for the first time, or the ones that I would call to come over and smoke now, it was my closest friends. It was the ones who stayed away from it with me, maybe they had tried it like myself, I had about 5 of them, Five that were really close, 5 friends that may or may not have even had the chance to try it. One by One they started to realize the amazing ability it had to make you forget everything, the ability it had to make life a fiction novel you read summers ago but still remember. Eventually 2 of the 5 were there with me for every moment that happened, 2 eventually became 3, then dropped to only one of the 5 when the other 2 realized their convictions and went back to the real life they were living. I guess this letter about the artist who's whinny breakup emo songs reminded me of you, made me realize that the past few years happened because I was bitter, I fully believe that I loved you, I loved you with everything that was in my small framed body, but it was more than just a feeling I had, It was my whole self, and when you kissed me for the last time in front of your dad's house, I began a life without you, the one that I had loved so much, and to think it was only supposed to be a trip to the gas station to get one of those breakfast sandwiches you liked so much, you know, the one with the pretzel bun, and oddly no meat..... I never liked them without meat,  and still to this day those things remind me of you. But back to my whole point Tonight has been a good night for me because I realized why things were happening the way they have been, and I finally managed to forget the reasons I have hated you, because that is completely senseless, I don't hate you, I just want to see my dog again. I've tried to contact you, but it has been useless, because I didn't want to have to actually sit down and talk to you, but i was going to, and I still want to, because I just want you to realize how much I miss that so ugly it's adorable limping thing that walked around with her tongue out all of the time......... I miss her, I really need her to be around me again, I lost you as a lover, and a friend for a while because of the last statement, I don't want to lose the one female I could cuddle with and spend every waking hour with, and yet for obvious reasons never had a romantic thought about. I need her to be around me, I need her to be around to comfort me when I try to fix repair the damage I have done to my life over the course of time....... I tried everything to get her back, I thought of EVERYTHING, everything failed for one reason or another, but i didn't try to take her from you, I wouldn't attempt that again. I understand what it's like to lose her...... I don't want that, not for you, I have pushed my bitterness away and wouldn't want anyone else to experience the pain I've experienced..... I'm pretty sure you'll never read this, but it's just what was on my mind when I listened to that band that had the song that you once claimed explained everything.....  

today has been one of those days where I just want someone to hold onto, someone to look me straight in the eyes and tell me that it is going to be okay........

I want to Have Love, and Give Love and Be Loved, but I can't find anyone that I can have all three from.........

Dammit, Why Can't I just be with YOU!!!

Let me just take a minute and tell you about How great the people I live with now are. Her mom-Awesome awesome person, works 3rd shift which is fun sometimes, because it seems like I don't live in a house that a family lives in. Her- Very cool girl, Very confused girl, she just got out of a 3 year relationship about 5 months ago maybe. Which ended mostly because my old roommate (who also lives here, but more on him in a minute) decided he wanted to fuck her, much like about every other girl in this area, therefore, she is retarded, simply put, more on that in a minute. The old roomie-def bi-polar, he is a man whore, simply put, there is not a girl that walked through this county or even the 67 other counties in this state that he hasn't wanted/attempted to get on. He is worse than a dog that humps everyones leg, and by everyones leg, i mean everyone's leg. Anyhow, Those two, for the sake of what I have going here we are going to call them Jack and Jill, Jack is an indecisive asshole to explain his personality, he has about 10-ish girls that he keeps on hand at all times, he doesn't date any of them, he just somehow convinces them that they are the only girl, I have no idea how he finds girls so dumb, but trust me I wouldn't call any of them attractive, as a matter of the fact they are usually the girls that every guy overlooks, therefore making them easy game for him. Jill isn't ugly, but I am not attracted to her, she has issues, not as bad as jacks, but she has major issues with picking the worst asshole out of them all. She's extremely naive to jack's premiscuity, she has no clue that when he isn't staying here (which is 5 out of 7 nights a week) he is at a party, getting ridiculously messed up and trying to get on at least one of the girls there, he usually tries his luck with about 3 just to see which one seems easiest, he seals it with a kiss, then has sex with them on some random spot in the house, usually the couch........ Every single week they get into huge fights, and he packs up all of his stuff and "moves out for good" accusing her of wanting on some other guy, which is actually never true, he just justifies it to her and she cries for a day, then procedes to take a phone call from him where he doesn't even mention the fact that he accused her of that and convinces her that he was an idiot, which is true, but it always seems to work, every fucking time!!! I for one don't get this, How can she be so dumb? what does he say to her to make it seem like nothing happened between them the following day? She's an Idiot, He's an idiot, and their mindless ignorant horniness has pissed me off for the last time tonight. I have an interview at 1:15 tomorrow, and i need to sleep, I couldn't sleep. came upstairs to get a drink and HE decided that they were going to go downstairs to the room we all share and have sex, I told him I had to wake up early and he didn't care. Let me tell you that he has already pushed me to the point where I am already going to snap on him and beat the shit out of him, tonight pushed it a little too far, now here I am waiting for them to be finished so i can go to sleep, I need to wake up at around 11:30 and it is now turning 5. I want to go kill the immature little horny fucking bastard right now, I just don't want to see either of them in that state, because honestly I might just throw up with disgust

Cigarettes- Since last June I've been smoking regular cigarettes, but before that I was smoking Clove cigarettes for about 5-6 months or so...... The reason that I am writing about this particular topic is the fact that I Hopefully had my last cigarette tonight. Every cig tasted horrible, I was smoking regular blends all night, which is the reason I am sick of them in the first place. I don't really have any idea why I started smoking in the first place, it all started with a cigar that I smoked when we picked up my friend from BWI who was returning from a year in Argentina as an exchange student, I had one cigar and spent all day attempting to get rid of that horrible taste that lingered in my mouth since I first wrapped my lips around that shitty thing.......... Anyhow, Tonight after having that horrible feeling in my throat that makes me feel like my lungs are actually going to come up my throat if and when I coughed...... I realized that there was once a point where I thought I'd never even touch a cigarette... Why Did I? I have no idea, but i realized that that doesnt mean that I have a reason to keep ignoring my wishes of the past, it's not like I can't change something to the way I wanted things to be with myself before I became Apathetic to life...... Today is August 1st 2007, The night I had my last cigarette. 

My Birthday- My 22nd birthday is on sunday. it's weird, 22 is an age that I have always thought of as being older, grown up, getting ready to start a family or even being in the job that I planned on doing for the rest of my life, but no, I will still be serving in a shitty little bar/resturant that as I just discussed with my roommate, I'm not making enough money to even support myself on..... My life is going nowhere fast, I need this money in such a bad way right now. I really just need to straighten out everything that I have going on financially, everything is going really bad for me right now, in every aspect of life, It's depressing, trust me......

My Car- right now my driver's side headlight is out, I hit a deer one night after a burn cruise, I guess that is just a little proof that sometimes you aren't as good at driving under the influence as you think you are........ Anyhow, this all happen in like january, and somehow now that it is 7 months later I have managed to just drive it as it is and not take a little bit of money to pay for a new light. I am retarded yet again. I end up leaving my car at work every night that I work til dark, Because I am in fear that I will get pulled over. The reason I am afraid I will get pulled over go as follows...... My car is actually uninsured right now, It has been for a few months now, and yet i still drive it as is...... Because of my car having no insurance my registration has been suspended for 90 days, I get my registration back on the 15th of August, I only have a few more weeks til i get that back, which then means that I need to get insurance for it before then........... I also almost always have had weed on me in some form for the past few months, which means that If I would get pulled over, and If the cop would search me because of all of the above, I would have to pay some fines for having marijuana on me, That would turn into a newspaper article and That would be read by my Grandfather, the man who is upset with me in the first place because he claims that I have stopped following God............... See the problem here? Yeah, so as a result of me being a complete irresposible fuck up I could get into major shit if i simply drive with a padidle at an hour that they have a reason to pull me over........ 

My Relationship with God- Well I really don't knwo how to explain this one, It is as if I am so far away from God at this point in my life, BUT God is a daily thing with me, in that if there is anything that I think about everyday and try to fix, its my relationship with my maker. I've come to realize in the past couple of years, that God is beyond real, and he is everything, He is everywhere, God loves us with a passion, and if you are once his child you will always be his child, he doesn't take his eyes off of you, you will go through struggles, what would life be without struggles, but the thing is that God is always with you with these struggles if you just look to him. Sometimes it is hard to just look to God, but it really shouldn't be a chore, it should be more about desiring him and wanting to turn to him, and knowing that whatever it is that you do God still loves you the same and showed that with his Son and all of the miracles there...............

Alcohol- Do you remember how I said that smoking was something that I thought I'd never do? well there was a long period in my life when I never wanted to drink alcohol..... Now I drink some form of alcohol at least 3 times a week...... Last night was the night that I made the entry that I couldn't write anything because I was too drunk, well last night I managed to smoke a bowl of some really good nugg, then drink about 18-20 beers, I was really drunk, and it made me realize that i really don't enjoy being drunk, Yet another thing to add to the list of things that I have been saying forever, I really dont like getting drunk, and I don't know why I manage to do so a few times a month, I drink alot, but rarely get drunk, The problem here is that my brother told me a few days ago that he wants to take me out to the bar with him and his wife for my birthday, so I am def going to go with them on friday, and as a result of that I am probably going to get drunk, therefore go back once again on the stuff that I clearly stated above........ Shitty........... 

Waiting for My Money- Tonight, and for the past few weeks I've sat back and just thought about the fact that I am going to have enough money to take care of all of this shit that I've gotten myself into, the problem with it is the fact that I know that I have to wait for it for a little while longer, Actually I have no idea at this point how long it is going to take me to get this money.......could be weeks, could be months, it is all a lengthy process as i discovered before..... The problem with waiting is the fact that right now I need at least $1,000 to catch up with my bills and everything, and I really just can't see if happening, I wish there was a way that I could get it right now so I can clear my head of this shit that is going on for now, then take care of all of the other stuff whenever I get my money..... 

Things I need to do Tomorrow- Call about my money, Call junkyards about headlights, get to work by 6 and hope that tomorrow helps my cause.........

well tonight i am drunk, and would really like to make an entry but really like to make an entry but i really dont think it is possible

This journal was created for the soul fact of spilling everything that is on my mind, if you found it by chance, sweet, if you know me and are a great friend of mine, this is stuff I haven't been able to say, its stuff that I just need to Get out, it's pretty much just the Shit I go through and keep to myself. the true feelings, nothing doctored, nothing fake. If you are reading this, It may be because I told you to, or it may just be by chance. Either way, it's the Soundtrack of my brain......

Drugs- Drugs are something I never thought I would get into, and never did. I Smoke pot, but that is it. In my mind Pot is not a drug, it's just simply as bad as drinking. It is something that just gives you a different feel to life. Don't get me wrong, the amount of pot that I smoke in a week is way more than I want to, and abviously way more than I have ever planned. The amount I smoke in a day is more than I want to. The thing with me and weed is the fact that I Love it. I don't agree with what anyone says about pot, it is addictive, and I've realized it. I think the facts are that there isn't an addictive substance in it (if there is I was misinformed as far as I can recall), But it is simply the fact that when i smoke nothing seems real, nothing seems to be a big problem anymore, Nothing at all, it makes me numb to some things, in ways, not like the commercials where they say stuff about "all I do is sit around on the couch"........... Not like that at all, I go everywhere stoned, I don't sit at home doing nothing. I've said so many times that I just wanted to quit and that was it, be done and never turn back. I would, I just don't know how, there are so many things that I am hiding behind by just getting fucked up and ignoring everything. So many little things that if i don't stop I will just hide behind weed forever...... I hate that more than anything. If there wasn't so much shit I don't think i would have a problem with smoking, and if i didnt smoke weed I don't think I'd smoke cigs, therefore, killing 2 birds with one stone......... Easier said than done......... 

Problems-

Money- money is something that I have been blessed with at times, and if used right, I could have been blessed for my life with the things my parents did to help me out in that category. BUT no, I have been so completely careless with money since I first discovered that you can get things you want with it. Which means I have been wasting every penny I've had for such a long time. I am an idiot for that. Now, I have about 5 people that I owe money to- One is a friend that was just trying to be there for me, he gave me the money to help me out when I fucked up by realizing that I could get something before I paid for it, it was an accident that I didn't have the money at the time, but 5 months later i still owe the kid $100....... Another is my dad, he helped me out when he realized that if he didn't it would be him that would be fucked over by it...... I've been telling him for a week now that I had the money, and I don't I am more broke now than I have ever been......So i choose to ignore his phone calls, and just lie to him about all of it, not a good approach i know, but it is highly influenced by the above mentioned addiction...... I also owe one of my best friends about $15 that I haven't even shown the effort to repay him for, well I did give him $10 when I owed him $25, and that was about a month ago. I need to make that a priority............ I also owe 2 guys from my church semi-large amounts of money, about $1,000 between the two of them, One asked me to repay him about 2 years ago, and the other told me not to worry about it if I couldn't pay him back. I had an oppurtunity to pay each of them back, but i thought selfishly and was overly greedy about it.......... Not to mention that between School, my Car and a random credit card that I should have never gotten, I am in debt an additional $10,000 by my random estimate...... I need to get this shit straight...............

The way to straighten all of this- When I was young something happened to me that I recieved a settlement, It was set up for me to get the money between the ages of 18 and 40, in about 6 chunks, I got money when I turned 18 and blew it like a kid who never had anything, in a way I guess I was just trying to catch up on things that I never really had as a kid, and I did, I blew all of the money in about 2 weeks, and honestly I don't care, that doesn't bother me at all, because it was something that I actually think i needed in a way....... kinda......... Then about a year and a half ago I got more money, I had most of the above listed debts by that time and somehow was irresponsible enough not to repay them...... Dumb move...... well, to make a long story short, I am recieving more money here within the next few weeks that is going to be simply to clean up all of those financial fuck ups........ it will be enough, actually it will be more than enough, the problem I am having now is the fact that I don't know what way I am going to put the rest of the money to the best cause, Ivest alot, duh, but there are certain things that could help me out in the future that I need to put some towards, not to mention I need to do something that I am going to remember for the rest of my life, I fgured out what it is, and it's seeing the great country I live in, from coast to coast with some of my best friends...... can't wait for that one.

Loneliness.....- recently I have had an empty feeling consuming my life.... I've made myself a reject to my family by not showing them how much I love them and care for them, not spending time with them, and just ignoring them at times. That is something I thought I'd never do, and now I have, and I hate it, they are the ones who made me a lot of what I am today and I show them my appreciation by being a selfish bastard constanly. My friends are amazing to me, I realized after getting out of a 3 and a half year relationship that they will always be there for me, no matter what, sometimes closer than other times, but still, consistant......... but there are a few friends that I enjoy hanging out with that I almost thing I shouldn't, simply for reasons of the influence they have on me, whether it be the excessive amounts of pot smoked between us at all times when we chill, or the amount of partying in general that they do, My friends helped me make this stuff a lifestyle, and now I need to break that lifestyle and make it something more pleasing to God.

Girls- Girls are a factor in the above category, but they are also a huge factor in my mess........ I was with a girl that I loved completely, not only did I love her completely, I planned on her being the one for the rest of my life, then one day things changed and she didn't feel the same way I did about her, and said she didn't know if she ever had...... That is enough for someone to take on a Life of untrust and loneliness............. Then one day I was over it, in the process of getting over it I dated a few more girls than I should have, and kissed a few more than that, which I wouldn't call regrets at all, they are just one of those things that if I had the chance to do over again I wouldn't. Then came a girl that I thought was going to change everything, she was gorgeous, and so much of what I was looking for in a girl, then like my first and only real love, she was gone, for reasons I didn't understand at the time, but within a week i realized it was to get back with someone from her past........ Also she hated the fact that I was partying so much, because she was sucked into the almost daily parties with me, Plus I also blew her off quite a few times, and the reason I blew her off, well, for burn cruises, then I was too fucked up sometimes to call her back like I promised.......... Then after feeling like shit when realizing all of this I actually paid attention to her and her mannerisms around other guys, and she is one that can't be trusted, possibly one of the worst, but with a great disguise............. Somewhere before/during all of this I ended up hooking up 2 of my really good friends, and yet again, set up another great couple........ So the girl decided that she wanted to hook me up with one of her friends, I tried to hang out with her a few times before we actually did, and when I did she was amazing, her personality was so similar to mine, she had a sense of humor that was extremely similar to mine too........ we kissed.......... then things got weird, she started ditching on the plans we would make, and I didn't know why........ well as it turns out she had such a bad relationship that ended not too long before that she was still dealing with the pain and struggles of relationships and moving on........ that was actually highly dissappointing........ Now there is a girl that I am completely attracted to, well at least physically, and the more I talk to her the more I want to know her better, and the funny thing is that with her I have seen the way she looks at me, and the way she looks at others, it is different, the look she gives to me anyhow, I know that she is attracted to me, and believe me, I want to see how I feel about her, but last time I heard she had a boyfriend, but I'm hoping that she doesn't, which brings me to the above statement, I want to get to know her better...........

Art- I need to do more art, because I realize how much I love it when I'm not doing it........ and I am actually tired of writing in this now, much more to come in the future........